Why I avoid boats

I promised you 5, and somehow I'm guessing traveling internationally with swine flu about doesn't count (besides, it would seem to be hitting the US much harder than Thailand anyway). Allow me to quickly breeze through the two least exciting near death moments, because frankly they weren't that close...

The first was on the Thai island of Ko Tao, where the idiots running our snorkeling tour parked the boat at high tide, but then found themselves beached when we tried to leave at low tide. Myself and the other members of the top deck had to suddenly rush to one side of the boat and throw our weight about, because as they gunned the motor it caused the boat to pitch so far that tipping over and capsizing was a very legitimate possibility. We lived, eventually the boat got unstuck, and aside from about 3 really terrifying seconds, this is a pretty terrible story.

The other snoozer of a catastrophe was returning from Ko Tao back to the mainland. Do you remember those stories about ferries in Thailand sinking to the bottom of the ocean with all the tourists aboard? Well, we were scheduled to go on exactly that type of easily sunk ferry - in the middle of a rainstorm at that. We lucked out because we had prepurchased train tickets, so when our sinkable boat was going to get us to the train late, they transferred us to the high speed catamaran. Relieved not to be in the boat with the 50/50 shot of sinking, I can't tell you how elated we were to be in the sturdy, new and totally enclosed fast boat. Yes we did suffer from seasickness, but when the boat drops over 15 foot waves, I guess thats what you expect. I'll take a little seasickness over sinking anyday.

That's 4, there is only one left, and thankfully it's better than the last two. I could see your eyes glazing over in the last two stories as you thought, "Dan, this isn't 'near death', you lame-o. This is maybe a little scary, but don't sell these as near death." And I think I agreed with you. Thankfully, the last one is a doozie. What could possibly have put me so close to the brink of existence? A Mekong River Cruise!!

Alright, cruise is the wrong word. Due to circumstances we needed to get from the Laos/Thai boarder to the city of Luang Prabang quickly. The options were (a) 14 hour bus ride through windy mountain roads, (b) a 2 day boat trip down the river, or (c) a one day boat trip down the river. Option (a) was bad because Adrienne gets motion sick and we would have arrived at 2 in the morning. Option (b) was bad because, like I said, we needed to get there quickly. This left option (c), which was bad because, well let me quote the Lonely Planet Guide: "Fastboats are not the safest transport south, and fatalities are not uncommon. When we passed there was even talk of banning foreigners from these boats." Oh yeah, and it had been raining all morning. We chose (c).

Imagine a long, fast wooden boat with a giant prop motor sitting on the back. All the luggage is piled in the front of the boat, under a few blue tarps to keep them dry, while the 8 passengers are arranged 2 by 2. They sit on the bottom of the boat, with their arms clutching their knees, because there is no space to spread out, not even to sit cross-legged. All of them are wearing life vests and helmets (as if that would save them in a crash). Now imagine the driver whizzing them along at speeds of near 50 mph. This was our boat.

As dangerous as that sounds, it gets worse - the river was terrifying. I've been whitewater rafting, even gone on some class 4 rapids, but I've never seen a river with real whirlpools. The currents in this river were going every which way, all at once, which meant our little boat got pushed around, bouncing over depressions and sinkholes. Yet as any raft guide will tell you, it isn't the currents that kill you, it's the rocks that make the currents (at least that's what I think the guides should say...). Scattered along the entire 5 hour trip were scores of large, jagged rocks sticking up everywhere! We would weave in and out, dodging them along with the driftwood and trees dislodged by the heavy rain. We even stopped to help another small boat like us file out a chink in it's propeller because they'd struck a rock! It goes without saying that any actual collision with these rocks, traveling at those speeds would have been certain death, helmet or no.

Thankfully we made it. We even had entertainment! On our boat was an Englishman who lives in Thailand, but was taking a month of vacation with his friend. He had decided they would take the fastboat down river, but to muster the courage after reading the Lonely Planet bit, he began to relieve the contents from a bottle of rice whiskey. Having finished a full 12 oz bottle before boarding the boat, it came as no surprise when he refused to wear his helmet, went swimming with his passport in his pocket, and fell in. Twice. Had we gone the way of the Dodo, at least we would have died laughing. Thankfully, we didn't.